Mental illness, Or A spiritual Awakening?
Did I In fact receive spiritual enlightenment or am I just tripping?
When I first considered this as a viable option to rather than admitting I was in fact mentally ill, like most I dismissed the idea. Main reason being 99% of people I acquaint myself with, would be reaching for their i phone’s ready to dial up the crisis team, closely followed by the men in white coats .
It’s the same proposition as choosing a belief of any sort, lets say it’s religion and believing in God, There is never going to be any hard proof, and the majority of the human race, will only accept hard proof that the facts exist. People [ that used to include me ] will most likely dismiss any faith or hope that this is a perhaps a lesson. Maybe offering you a chance to turn things around.
I liken it to Bruce Wayne in Batman The Dark Night Rises, portraying that Batman’s downfall was his eight years in solitude, harbouring his personnel traumas. So at the hands of the demonic Bane, Bruce was banished to the misery and hopelessness of hell on Earth, with only the hope of light to guide him. Even though I thought the film was shit, they managed to play the card that is, the sometimes impossible to destruct, but often easily devoured, human internal belief system.
I’m beginning to think and notice that there are many in society today that don’t even have an internal belief system to start with. Perhaps only one of greed and selfishness that has absolutely no resemblance or displays authenticity of any sort.
Plus the voice of Bane was so f*****g annoying. It was a cross between Stephen Hawkins, blended with an eloquent university educated Sean Connery. Part from that well fit Cat women, the film drove me Batty, Not a lot of people know that…But it did.
And it’s about time Michael Caine stopped milking it an all.
Regarding Cat women his line should have been.
“You were only meant to get her bloody draws off.”
” And why do we fall, and then retire Mr Caine?”
” To Give some one else a bleedin chance.”
Anyway, went slightly off tangent there, guess its the bipolar brain working overtime on the shit one liners again, Anyone picking up the connection with script writing? No? well I’ll crack on then…
Therefore, running into the arms of and seeking help from your local GP. In the hope that you will be given a correct and professional diagnosis for why your life is so shit right now. Or why it has been shit for so long, either way there’s a good chance you were given prescription medication, and told to come back if the symptoms didn’t get any better.
And there is even more of a likelihood that you are still on them, maybe a reduced dosage or a combinations of anti dpressents or antipsychotics that in effect, should be at least keeping your life on track. What I mean by this, in that you can at least function at a baseline level in society, holding down a full or part time job [ if there's any left ] and be able to enjoy a meaningful long term friendship/relationship or marriage.
If this sounds like you. In that you have bipolar under control, aided by medication. Please let me know your story. If someone can perhaps claim to be able to sustain the above. Claiming to have fulfillment and an emotionally balanced lifestyle and outlook, managing to lead a steady accomplished life then please tell me so, and others. Perhaps by taking part in lets say a case study, here on blame it on bipolar.
Personally I don’t think it can be done, there always seems to added complications. One being is that these medications can act as a catalyst, fueling the flames for perhaps a potential episode of acute mania. There generally seems to be close gaps between relapses, where perhaps the cleverness of bipolar is no match for man made prescriptions?
The thing with bipolar is that it can easily trick you into thinking everything’s cool and that you have managed to get a handle on the unpredictable intricate workings of bipolar disorder. It is more than capable of tricking you that your in control of the condition.
I was faced with a choice, to rely on alleged health professionals to help me find my way back. Or do it my way with no back up resources concerning medication or meetings with my NHS shrink.
I had to go back in my mind and relive what had caused such a decline and the oncoming demise of my own being, it had to be a case of walking back through my minds chaos making some sense out the trail of destruction I’d left behind..
I felt I needed to dig deeper into the spiritual awareness that I had breifly experienced, before once again I had soon found myself giving in to, and persuaded to follow the route of anti-psychotic medication, the word itself explains the far to commonly used word ‘Psycho.’
” That psycho thinks it was a spiritual experience”
“Perhaps we should look at upping his dosage of anti-psychotics?
I had to determine the cause, euphoria is all part of bipolar’s make up, so medical experts and the like will put it down to exactly that, allowing for visions and hallucinations that slot neatly into the behavioural pattern of somebody experiencing psychosis.
As we know drugs, including alcohol can seriously impair our sense of perception and judgement. So this takes us back to the chicken and the egg situation.
Did the misuse of drugs or medication provoke mania or depression. Or did bouts of depression or mania provoke the use of drugs or medication?
At first I accepted the fact that I had a mental illness, After all I was pretty much genetically pre-disposed to inheriting some form of a mental disorder [ I tend to use the word disorder where possible as perhaps I now prefer to not accepting this condition as an illness.]
I have now come to learn that it was something more than a manic episode, I certainly wasn’t hallucinating or having visions of talking serpents believing I was the Messiah.
My message would be try to avoid the use of any medication if not at least long term medication. Like I have said before, sometimes it has life saving capabilities but you don’t owe your life indebted to it.
Mania isn’t and was never a close companion of mine as it used to be over shadowed and cloaked in depression. The word manic was being bounced around and it was obvious I was suffering from agitation and sleep deprivation.
Having been holed up in a Motel, drinking and smoking heavily wrestling with my inner demons.
” we think it’s bipolar” was my only formal diagnosis as my behaviour and actions was exhibiting the characteristics of bipolar disorder.
But another indication it was bipolar at work, was the soul destroying endurance of a six month episode of major depression. It had all the signs saying stop here and pick up bipolar 1.
The period when I was on medication which included Depakote,Olanzapine and Amitriptyline. a ready to go package of anti-psychotics combined with anti-depressants. This is what I refer to as the one size fits all medication system.
So I abandoned the NHS, their medication and antiquated resources, I did listen and reduced the dosage gradually at first. And against medical advice, that was deemed as professional?… I eventually chucked the lot.
.It was a time where I came face to face with my inner demon’s, and one by one decided it was time to face them, peeling back layers and layers of my inner self, minus the ego. Just my internal belief system. Until I reach the very core of the internal representation of my own constitution values and beliefs.
In movie terms it would be ‘The Journey To The Core Of Your Soul.’
It is a journey well worth considering, but first you must have the belief.
I will be writing more posts on this subject, including other research I intend to apply to explain my experiences, which is also sometimes referred to by some as a psychotic break.